Creating A Family
by Saro
Summary: Uchiha Itachi takes the necessary steps to make the clan he always wanted.


Author's Note: **This is a joke.** Please don't take it seriously. It came out of a conversation I had with a friend. It's a gift for her, because we have warped senses of humor. Once again. Not serious. (In case you can't tell, I've learned by lesson about people taking jokes wrong.)

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, and it's with some guilt that I lay claim to most of this plot.

* * *

**Creating a Family**

One would think that it would be easy to find the perfect potential mate from a clan like the Hyuuga.

One would, it seemed, be wrong. There wasn't one woman from that compound who had the particular fire that Itachi wanted. They were weak, even the ones who could kill with nothing but a light touch. They were tame. Domesticated. They lacked that certain something that the Uchiha clan needed if Itachi was going to take his clan's revival into his own hands (Sasuke having proved himself too devotedly gay to handle the matter), and in truth, it was beginning to vex him. He felt terribly, terribly thwarted, which wasn't a mental state he was used to, nor one to which he thought he could become accustomed.

Somewhere on this compound, there had to be someone with the proper killing instinct to breed the sort of Uchiha that Itachi wanted. None of these women had what he required to produce an Uchiha clan he could be proud of.

Except the hips. Almost all of them had the hips, which fact did little to sooth him.

One would then think that one had failed. This, however, was impossible because this particular one does not fail. He merely encounters unfortunate setbacks.

There was, in fact, one person in the Hyuuga compound who had that spirit he sought.

However, one still has to find a way to change this one viable target's gender. Nature was clearly in oversight when it made Hyuuga Neji male.

It took quite some time to complete the appropriate jutsu, however all the necessary preparations had been made by the time Itachi revealed himself to his intended. He'd had to find several rare ingredients, and kill a few nubile young virgins to do it, but he had confidence that the work would prove worth it. When it came to schemes, it always did, no matter how troublesome.

He approached Neji as he returned from a solo mission. The Hyuuga was clearly tired, hair artfully disarranged around his face, and glaring subconsciously at the world.

He saw Itachi coming, as one would presume he would, being a Hyuuga.

* * *

Even tired, he fell into a ready defensive stance with ease, all loose jointed and watchful.

Itachi smirked. "I haven't come to fight you."

Neji watched him closely. He wouldn't see any lie in Itachi's face or body, though. It didn't affect his stance any. "Then what do you want?"

Itachi's smirk broadened into a smug half-smile. "Babies."

It was very hard to surprise a Hyuuga. The very nature of their eyes made it hard to take them unexpected in anyway. They saw everything coming, even lies and baldly ridiculous statements. However, Itachi had apparently found what it took on the first try. He expected no less of himself, and in the second when Neji stared at him wide eyed and startled, he crossed the space between them and grabbed his wrists.

Chakra flared under his hands. If Itachi hadn't been ready for it, it would have thrown him off. Even so, it stung.

"I can't possibly begin to guess why you'd look for me if you want babies," Neji said sharply, trying to pull away. "There are so many things wrong with that concept that it would be easier to point out what's right than waste time going into detail on what isn't."

"I get what I want. You have what I deem necessary in the mother of my children."

Neji gave Itachi a look that said plainly that he thought the Uchiha was insane. Itachi would have to teach him not to underestimate his abilities.

"Except a uterus," Neji said when he recovered his voice. "Most people find those necessary."

"Yes," Itachi agreed. "You do lack one of those. An unfortunate circumstance, but luckily correctable."

Then he rolled Neji's mind under in a genjutsu. He was not one to spend time on empty things like actually arguing with people when he could simply show them he was right.

* * *

Neji woke up sometime later, cold, skin itching with ink that smelled a bit too much like turned blood to be comfortable, and... awkward. It took him a moment to figure out what the problem was. Then his eyes snapped open. Or rather, her eyes, and confirmed that he was, in fact, no longer a he.

A shiver went through her, and her stomach turned. She was naked. She was female.

She had the Hyuuga hips.

And she wasn't alone.

* * *

The first baby was born with slate blue-grey eyes that later darkened to brown in a very normal fashion. There was no sign of either Byakugan, or Sharingan, but he learned to glare before he said his first word.

When he was three, he killed one of the village children for implying that his parents were in love.

Itachi had never been prouder.

* * *

Neji proved incredibly fertile, which didn't surprise Itachi in the least. He hadn't killed all those virgins for nothing. In less than ten years, she provided him with seven children, including a set of twins. Five of them were strong enough to survive the constant bickering that children are prone to. Despite the pregnancies, she remained dangerous, and tried to kill him in his sleep at least monthly. The latter problem was remedied by making sure that she rarely had the energy to try anything after he went to sleep.

Of their children, three of the survivors had dark, nearly black brown eyes, one had blue, and one rather striking green. Itachi didn't count the ones who died when he made such calculations. All of them had 20/20 vision in both eyes, and no sign of any doujutsu. None the less, they were all strong.

His eldest son tried to kill him for the first time only a month after his sixth birthday, and came as close to succeeding as Sasuke had at over twice that age.

Sometimes at night, as he lay in bed after disarming his wife, he'd confess that he was the happiest he'd ever been now that he finally had the clan he always dreamed off. The eyes didn't matter. It was the spirit that counted, and everyone of his little clan would be more than happy to slaughter the rest of them if they could.

It was more than he ever hoped for.

He would caress Neji's belly, in whatever varied degree of roundness with her most recent pregnancy, then she would glare at him narrowly and threaten to kill him again, and he would go to sleep satisfied.

* * *

Fin 


End file.
